It’s been too long

I feel inspired to write but my connection to any form of creativity has been shifted. However, I have been reading a TON of different samples of books or full books on kindle unlimited. They pretty much have everything you could possibly think of.  I am trying anything to keep my mind at ease and stop worrying about the small things.. Im currently unemployed, broke, mentally struggling..oh and its like ten days until christmas. It’s just really hard. It’s hard to wake up and be excited about the day sometiems. Depression is a MF. I also have two kids that I am raising on my own (my parents help me out so much, thank god.)

I don’t know what I’m really saying. I just felt inspirited to get back on here.

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Outlook

I have really been wanting to write/blog, but I feel like all of my posts sound  like a 13 year olds diary. The past few days have been pretty much hell to me. Actually this past month has been pretty much terrible. I woke up in literally the best mood this morning, that a lie..I couldnt even fall asleep for more than an hour last night. So a lot of the reason my day started to go downhill was because A).Sleep Deprivation mixed with chasing Vanni around at a kids birthday party. B).Forgetting to take my bi-polar med “Latuda” C). My job decided to remodel and the customers stopped coming, so broke af. D).I feel like I can’t do anything right and have been arguing  with my significant other E) Due to a cyst on my ovaries, which is now causing my  period and cramps to start AGAIN. F).I have a cps case still opening, closing at the begining of may.

Organizing the causes of my panic and stress just helped relieve so much anxiety. I wanted to go over letter B. I think that pretty much has affected me throughout the day. ,On my next post im going to research it and post all the side effects and why it is making me feel the way I do and how i can learn to cope with the restless legs I have.

Goodnight Ya’ll xoxo

When people say..

“That’s life” or ” It’s not the best situation but a lot of women/people do it”.

I really wish I could scream “NO?!” Not in a stomping my feet kind of way, but as in “No? That’s not what life is about?” Single Moms, Divorce, Fighting, Kids being taken away from their moms because of another factor, ADDICTION.

When Alcoholics Anonymous says “we seem to be born this way”, again no. I feel different ways about that because I think if you are born into a family of addiction your are going to grow up knowing no different, but that lifestyle.

For me, having such a good childhood, good grades, ambitious..(I need to underline that word..I will) I just wasn’t too sure about the future, but I knew there was something more to life then the monotony of school, sports, home..bringing me to the adult life of work, kids/marriage,bills, home.Although. I was unsure, I knew ( and as corny as this sounds) I was seriously meant to do something really positive and powerful with my life. I don’t want to be superman but I think that every person has a little superman within.

For me, I was definitely born with the characteristics of a drug addict or alcoholic..such as any shape and form of anxiety, impatience, anger, always looking for more. Since, I grew up as an only child for 8 years with a tighter knit f

amily, I tried to stay out of trouble and did what “Normal” kids do. Whatever that is. I always seemed to go towards the “stoner” or “Misfit” kind of crew. I’m not sure why? I didn’t start smoking weed until I was 17 years old, was it because I liked to get high, or have somewhere to belong? Probably a lot of both. I basically went along the chain of druggies until I hit the jackpot, which were always opiates for me. I never had to think about anything bad on them, and I didn’t! Eventually pills turned to Heroin, Game Over then! Found my first love. I didn’t just decide to put a needle in my arm, with a powder I got off some unreliable guy,  in an unsafe area..I wasn’t a junkie? I would only try things like that..right? Maybe once or twice.

But when you fall in love with something so deeply like that, you can’t just forget what that love feels like. You can’t un-love something once you already love it. Still in my head. I would make excuses and rationalize it to the death about how its perfectly normal that I am waking up for one reason only, to figure out how to get money for me and my (boyfriend at the time) so that we could drive all around town looking for it. Getting ripped off, dealers being 2 hours late to see you when you are throwing up, outside of your car… at the thought of being dope sick one second longer? How is that normal? I started to wish to be normal again even though I guess In my head I never had a “normal” life, even when you took the drugs out of the picture. I know out of all of the craziness I put myself through, I did it all to myself. Every single bit of it. When I do something, anything I will put my mind to it and I will most likely do well at the task at hand. I feel like that has withered away sometimes. I hold onto a lot of great memories with family and friends because I truly believe that that, is what life is all about. At the end of the day we are all just one big ball of love.Sounds corny again, but what is life without love? Really think about it. Without becoming parents, without having certain people that you could be around for the rest of your life and you would be perfectly content, communication, & laughter. What really is the point of this all?

When I woke up out of life support due to my addiction this time last year, It would not have mattered if I graduated Yale with a 4.2, nothing was going to save me then, but the love of the nurses,staff,family,my closest girl friend, and hour long phone calls. That was God’s wake up call to me to get it together, or you are going to be another drug addict statistic that tried to make it, but failed again. Like I was saying in the beginning, this is not all I’m supposed to be? Thank god I have not used a needle since 1/28/2016, and the only reason I have stayed clean (with a toddler!) is because of the love and compassion, the prayer, & definitely the unity.

Oh gosh, I know everybody wants to change the world…but I really mean it. I want to work for a high end magazine one day, have all the designer clothes, a girl can have…but what I really want more than any of those things is for me to be able to raise my 18 month son as a single mother, like I was raised. I need to get more motivated to get up, rise and grind, and start showing my son that I am doing these not only for Emily, but for little Vanni as well. I want to get married, really be in love. How Carrie Bradshaw explains it in “Sex and the City”…

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’” <3<3

I know I am only 24, with one son. It just feels so overwhelming at times. I have the wonderful support of my parents friends and amazing boyfriend. What I need to always remind myself, is that I can do it alone…I have before, I’m a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be mentally and physically..I get upset of my dreams of having this beautiful family together someday, but sometimes holding on, hurts so much worse than letting go.

This post was really supposed to be a reminder to myself that I can do anything I want to, you have to believe, don’t be lazy, & that I have the cutest son ever!

XOXO

Em